In my last newsletter I recommended 3 books for you to read your way to better sex (if you haven’t yet, check them out ;)
One of them, Come as you are by Emily Nagasaki explains that sexuality comprises sexual brakes and sexual accelerators, which are largely determined by context. And that there is no such thing as a sex drive.
If find that fascinating and such a helpful info!!
Basically, our nervous system and the signals it sends to the brain are built very simply, much like the codes of a computer. We have a signalling voice that says "go ahead" called excitement, and another that says "stop" called inhibition.
The balance between “go ahead” and “stop” signals determines at all times what the brain will decide to do with the body… If the brakes are the strongest, it doesn’t matter that you put a little accelerator at the same time.
In my friend Alice’s case, she was overwhelmed both at work and at home with her children and felt like her non-initiating sex was adding pressure. Sex was starting to feel like a chore. And the more she waited the more she was blaming herself for not being in the mood.
Other brakes can look like: feeling stress, depression, a bad image of your body, a feeling of guilt, shame or the fear of not having an orgasm. These light brakes can accumulate until you have the complete stop.
To stop pressing so hard on the brake, the brain must receive an even stronger signal to light the "go ahead" light. It's signals can be love and pleasure. Sometimes it happens by itself, for example when we are in love. Otherwise, the job is to allow the "go-ahead" signals to dominate and to make the brake action as low as possible.
It may seem a little fuzzy, but in reality, it's not magic.
This is when Alice started to get clearer on what made her get in the mood. She realised she never really felt spontaneous desire but loved compliments and when she felt relaxed in an unusual environment (like during vacations or weekend away from the children) she was more responsive to her husband approach. With this new information they worked together to create more and more of these accelerator and Alice started to feel more and more desire.
So, what to do with all that information?
You know I love to make things practical so you can apply it right away in your love and sex life.
First step is to recognise that sexual desire does not come on its own and that it is not a constant trait of birth. Then you must take the time to think about what turns you on and what turns you off. Follow Nagoski's advice and make a list.
1- What turns me off?
For example: feeling too exhausted or sad. The fear of an approach when I do not feel like it and so I will have to push back, again. The uncertainty that surrounds our relationship. Jealousy. Routine sex, when I know exactly what will happen. Stress or concerns about things that I should have done but did not have time to do in the day. Feeling ugly. Checking our phones in bed...
2- What turns me on?
For example: to know that I have all my time, that there is no urgency. The idea of an orgasm. Feel good in my body. An erotic book or movie. Love after sport when endorphins and blood flows fast again. Love in broad daylight. The protection of total darkness. Fresh sheets. Feel loved. Compliments. An unusual environment. A familiar environment. See my partner get off. Knowing that what I always do in bed is precisely what my partner prefers.
When you have written your list, the real work will begin. You will put in place the conditions for the balance to lean towards the "go ahead". This means removing as many brakes as possible, while creating an environment that fuels your desire. If you are in a relationship you have to involved your partner and let him know about your brakes and accelerators!
In short, sexual desire does not fall from the sky. It is closely related to the circumstances of our life, including the relationship we have with ourselves.
Food for thoughts…;-)
Love,
Camille